“Being born a woman is an awful tragedy. Yes, my consuming desire to mingle with road crews, sailors and soldiers, bar room regulars—to be a part of a scene, anonymous, listening, recording —all is spoiled by the fact that I am a girl, a female always in danger of assault and battery. My consuming interest in men and their lives is often misconstrued as a desire to seduce them, or as an invitation to intimacy. Yet, God, I want to talk to everybody I can as deeply as I can. I want to be able to sleep in an open field, to travel west, to walk freely at night.”
I know women who were teenagers during WW2 who talked about the immense freedom they had as teen girls. They could sleep on the beach at night. They’d walk home alone after a party. From the way they talk about it, you’d think there wasn’t a war going on or that some of those nights were interrupted by air raid sirens.
How was this possible? Easy - just conscript every able-bodied man between the ages of 15 and 60 and put them in military compounds that they aren’t allowed to leave. Remember this the next time a woman muses about having curfews for men so women can walk alone and night, and everyone scoffs at how that wouldn’t solve anything, somehow.
Third row, middle, with the big grin? That’s Red Guard Lieutenant V.I. Artamonov (Artamonova?). She set the Soviet military record: 89 successful hits, one miss.
When I was 10, my mom made me wear a bra and it felt like a punishment for being different.
When I was 10, I took the bra off when changing for gymnastics and accidentally dropped it in the school hallway. A teacher picked it up and said, “Oh, this must belong to you” and handed it back to me in front of everyone. I quit gymnastics.
When I was 11, I thought maybe the boobs would be okay so long as they didn’t get any bigger than would fit in my hand, so I kept measuring it, but they did.
When I was 12, I started wearing two or three sports bras to smush them down, until one day a classmate said, “Are you wearing two bras?!” while laughing.
When I was 13, a boy told me he wanted to squeeze my boobs “until they popped.”
When I was 14, I got cast in a play as an older character and a classmate told me I got the role because I had boobs.
When I was 17, my mom told me to return a swimsuit because it would be too distracting for my boyfriend’s father.
When I was 21, I got properly fitted for a bra and everyone felt the need to tell me how much better my boobs looked.
When I was 26, I got pregnant and my immediate fear was that my boobs would get bigger.
When I was 28, I got shamed for trying to feed my screaming baby in public without a cover.
When I was 28, people asked me “why are you bothering to use a breastfeeding cover?”
When I was 30, people gave me weird looks that I wasn’t yelling at my kid for putting their hand on my boob.
When I was 31, I avoided going to the beach or pool because I didn’t want to have to deal with boobs in a swimsuit.
When I was 32, I got asked, again, “why don’t you get a breast reduction?”
When I was 33, I watched a 5yo girl get shamed for running around in sweltering heat without a shirt on and had to reprimand a bunch of tween boys who thought it was okay to shame her for doing something they do all the time.
When I was 34, my kid kept patting my breast and saying “Mommy’s squishy breast!!” They will never see me express any shame about tits, because I want them to have a different mindset than I had. Yes, boobs are nice! They’re squishy! They’re fun! That’s the end of that.
I’m 35 and no longer give a fuck. I don’t care anymore. As a teenager my tits were covered in stretch marks. They’ve been engorged with milk. My nipple changed shape with pregnancy. Give it another couple decades and my breasts will probably be all wrinkly. It’s sexual when I’m using it sexually. I don’t fucking care, and I won’t be ashamed anymore.
Every time a policy or cultural hangup treats people with breasts differently, it fucks us over.
Tumblr’s new policy makes an active choice to participate in this culture of shame. By classifying “female-presenting nipples” as explicit material, Tumblr has taken a stance that any chest or breast that differs from a male default is worthy of shame and unavoidably sexual. The idea that breasts are shameful and unavoidably sexual is exactly what fucked me up for so much of my life.
Dissociation is a defense mechanism used by the mind to protect oneself from a perceived threat. Witnessing or experiencing a traumatic incident or enduring chronic abuse may result in the development of this mental process. Dissociation is most often developed during one’s childhood, as children are more susceptible to imaginative thinking and escapism during times of stress. Once this method of detachment has been learned it can be difficult to rid oneself of it, thus leading to interference in one’s daily life even after they have escaped the abuse.
Dissociation can be difficult to handle when you’re in a public setting such as work or school, or when you’re around friends and family who are unable to recognize the signs. It’s common to be stuck in an uncomfortable situation dissociating and not knowing what to do. It’s common to dissociate without knowing you’re dissociating. It’s common to feel overwhelmed or controlled by your dissociation.
This post is going to focus on the impact of dissociation in each area of one’s life and how to deal with it. Recognizing when you are dissociating and how you dissociate is a great first step to becoming more self-aware and gaining more control over your trauma.
Signs at school:
Repetitive memory lapses, including forgetting assignments or forgetting taught material. Based on the severity, you may only remember the basics of a subject, or you may have forgotten the basics (such as simple division or multiplication in math)
Feeling like other students are robots, or are not real, or are duplicates. This feeling may be more intense when walking in hallways between classes, or during recess or lunch
Feeling as though your desk or reading materials are twenty feet away despite them being inches from you
Staring at the clock yet being unable to read it
Poor grades caused by memory lapses, or poor grades caused by apathy resulting from a sense of derealization
Static in your vision when reading or feeling like your peripheral vision is closing in on you or darkening
Teachers or classmates repeating questions to you multiple times because you did not hear them, not being receptive to interaction
Writing letters backwards without knowing, presenting disarrayed and odd essays
Staring at your assignment unblinkingly for minutes, acting as if you are frozen or in a catatonic haze
What can you do?
Use your five senses to connect with reality. Without being distracting to other students, fiddle with your eraser or pencil, or flip repetitively through the pages in your book. Do anything you can to feel physically present. If your teacher would allow you to, using a stress ball to squeeze may help tremendously
Keep your eyes moving. By remaining active, you’ll reduce the amount of “spacing out” you experience. Repetitively blink your eyes and look around the room. Avoid staring at one spot for a prolonged period of time.
Use humor. Look at your teacher and imagine them wearing something funny or saying something ridiculous. Think of a joke you know that always makes you smile
Look for opportunities to become more engaged with your surroundings. If you’re having trouble reading, volunteer to read out loud if possible, as this may help you process the information better. If the teacher asks if anyone has a question, ask one to engage in conversation and distract yourself. This is a good way of interacting with someone without getting in trouble
If you have to, dismiss yourself to the bathroom and splash some cold water in your face. This may help you come to your senses
If you know of any specific triggers at school, whether it be a person or a certain room, try to avoid being around them, or in that room. If there is no way of avoiding your triggers, mentally prepare yourself before facing the triggers and have a plan set up ahead of time for if you do begin dissociating
Signs at work:
A sudden decrease in performance for seemingly no reason
Repetitively messing up orders or misconstruing information given to you by a customer or client
Feeling as though you are staring right through a customer or client
Severe memory lapses, such as forgetting tasks you’ve practiced for months, forgetting the name of the business you work for, or forgetting your name when introducing yourself to a customer or client
Coworkers commenting on your behavior, possibly saying you’re acting cold, quiet, rude, or distant
Reacting intensely to any mistakes you make; alternatively, acting completely indifferent towards any mistakes you make
Getting lost in thought when coworkers are talking to you
Feeling compelled to act in a certain way, monitoring your every action, feeling as though you are pretending to be you
What can you do?
If possible, walk as much as you can to remain active. This will be much easier to achieve for people who do not have desk jobs. If you have a desk job, interact with items on your desk. If you’re allowed to, bring an item to work that’s interactive that you can adorn your desk with
If you have a desk job, tape a piece of paper to your desk or cabinets to remind you of what to do when you feel this way, or tape a joke or something lighthearted such as a kitten image
If you’re given breaks, take advantage of them. Eat something, splash cold water on your face, listen to music, or if you’re allowed to, drive to a nearby gas station or store to get out of the building and become more attuned to your surroundings. Being in an open area with fresh air may help
Create games to keep yourself focused on something other than your dissociation or trauma. Examples would be seeing how many customers you can make smile, or seeing how many customers you can get to order a specific item, or seeing if you can convince a coworker to buy you a coffee
Talk to your boss if needed. The way you approach the conversation should be based on their personality and level of knowledge regarding trauma or mental disorders. You may need to compile resources for them to read or retrieve some type of note from your therapist for them to read. Effective communication is a vital key to maintaining any relationship, whether it’s romantic, platonic, or purely business.
Signs at home:
Identity confusion, such as acting in a fashion you or your family and friends would consider offensive
Out of body experiences, feeling as though you are watching yourself from above
Feeling as though you are in a movie
Friends or family members saying you have a “glazed” look, or that your eyes appear empty
Experiencing an inability to feel pain, developing a numbness to it
Objects around you appearing diminished in size or looking artificial
Severe memory lapses, such as forgetting the name of your street, forgetting who your close friends are, or forgetting specific periods of your life
Not recognizing yourself in the mirror
Tunnel vision or blurry vision
A lack of belonging when out with family or friends
Being unable to account for things you’ve done, such as not remembering completing a purchase, not remembering writing a letter you’ve found, or finding unexplained clothes in your closet
Time loss, or feeling as though you’ve forgotten everything during a period of time, or feeling like you’ve blacked out
What can you do?
Count different colored things in the room. Three red things, five greens things, and so forth. Doing this is a good way to distract yourself and stay aware of your surroundings
Take a cool bath or shower
Hold ice cubes in your hand or put your hand in a bowl of ice cubes. This will wake you up and is a good way to avoid self-harming if you want to feel something
Engage in a productive hobby you enjoy, such as drawing, writing, or reading
Start cleaning
Instead of texting, try calling a friend. Hearing someone’s voice may help ground you
If you have a pet, interact with them. Let them crawl on you or sit on you. Play with them. Talk to them
Take a long whiff of a strong yet pleasant scent, such as a candle, flowers, or air freshener
